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I'm sorry - I don't mean to flood you with emails ...
I am doing better on the lower dose of Depakote, but my balance issues are still off and I am still having trouble seeing my computer screen at work. I don't know if this is due to it or not, but my writing and typing are sorely affected as well. There is a noticable tremor, a mild one - and my accuracy is off.
I am still cutting.
My boss refused to reduce my workload and the depression came back in force. Cutting is the only way I can express it. I hide them but everyone knows now, and a prospective hiring manager has refused to consider me because of my "mental disorder."
Please help me. I can't take much more of this.
~ Jennifer
ps. have you received my FMLA forms? I intercampus mailed them to you last week. Thank you.
I took them a few magazines, some coloring books, a lot of snacks, and crayons. I took Rachel a brush and a small teddy bear but she acted like she didn't want them and then gave them back a few minutes later; I gave the teddy bear to Adrian and just left the brush on the table.
Tara cried quietly for a few moments; she doesn't know when they're going to release her, and they've told her they're sending her somewhere for two years. Which is stupid; she was only hooked on pills while Megan was hooked on the serious drugs; meth, cocaine, etc.
I'm going to try to visit Megan again on Monday, if she's even still there.
Jen Padgett came to visit me today, and so did April again. April's done so much for me, I kind of feel bad. Jared txt'd here and told her to have me call him "about Branwyn" when I get out. That scares me, makes me anxious. I'm terrified he's going to try to take Bran away from me.
They've given me a new med starting today - Depakote. They want to keep me for 24hrs after my first dose [today @ 5] to make sure I "accept it well." I'm hoping they give me the Traz. again tonight.
Sandra got to go home; Megan and Tara are having a hard time with the detox. Rachel makes me sad now and I worry about her. They've doped her up badly and she walks around like a zombie, then bursts into great wracking sobs. She's not slept in 5 days. Everyone talks about her because she's the "real crazy" here. She pulled all the fire alarms last night, multiple times. When Rod called at 7pm, Megan answered, but when I went over to take the call, Rachel was on the phone ... funny, because Rod couldn't tell the difference.
There’s a guy here who slit his wrists; he says he was drunk and doesn’t remember why.
I skipped a narcotics group today and the orderly tracked me down to find out why, but didn’t force me to go or anything.
April brought me more nightpants and another book – The Hunger Games. Jen bought me mountain dew nightpants [which I already have- she’s taking them back] and a green tee shirt and – a starbucks coffee! Gods, that was great.
My anxiety is going down; the two low points – finding out I wouldn’t be leaving until Friday, and anxiety over Jared’s ominous statement, didn’t last for long either time. But I keep coming back to Jared’s. Jen says he just knows how to press my buttons; April says he wouldn’t take Bran away from me full-time because he wouldn’t be able to deal with it.
I don’t know; I wish I did.
1-12-12 Thursday
Milla helped me set up a therapist appt today and I actually got in a lot earlier than I thought. It was confirmed that I get to leave tomorrow; they sais it was okay to go tonight, but I don’t want to work tomorrow and what’s one more night?
The appointment with my new therapist will be on Feb. 2, at 2:30; Deborah Blanchard.
They are raising my dose of Depakote to 750mg, which is the “therapeutic dose.” I’ll be at 500mg when I leave here, but my prescript.will be for 750mg when I walk out, so tomorrow I’ll be starting on 750. I have labs for blood testing next Friday because apparently it can do damage to the liver if you’re not careful. I’ve still had no negative side-effects.
More women have come in; Jacqueline [who goes by Jacq], who is an injured suicide attempt. She moves slowly because of her injuries and uses a walker, but she’s quiet and positive and open, the kind of person that you’d love to have coffee with. Belinda is another suicide attempt that’s going home tomorrow. She’s very self-possessed and borderline pushy. I don’t like her very much.
They skipped all groups today and Rachel has completely disappeared. I don’t know if she’s in seclusion or whether she’s just sleeping.
Tara and Megan are having a hard time coming down. Yesterday and the day before, Megan was constantly at Rachel’s throat. Now she’s just very subdued and quiet and tired.
Josefina has started being nicer and opening up more to me – I’ve found out she’s paranoid schizophrenic. She has a 5 yr old son that she misses very much, but they won’t let her go home yet.
Another woman joined us named Adrian, early in the evening. She’s black and had hair that sticks up everywhere. She’s in for ‘wanting to kill herself and her children because a voice in her head told her to.’ When we gathered together for the wrap up of the day, she immediately asked when she was going home, she wanted to go home, etc etc. She’s to be our roommate, but since I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning, I don’t think it will make much difference to me.
1-13-12 Friday
I got to go home today!
Amitchi picked me up at 11am, after I had my meeting with the docs and such; they reviewed my follow ups [they moved my appt with Sebastian up for the 24th, and went over my appt with Ms. Blanchard on the 2nd of Feb], recapped about my meds and told me again that they’re trying to get me in with Dr. House for DBT therapy. When I got home I had the paperwork in my mailbox, so I’ll fill it out and send it back on Tuesday, since there’s no mail delivery on Monday due to the holiday.
Funny side-note: Amitchi forgot my shoes! I had to walk out of the hospital and across the road and into the parking deck in only my socks. lol
Jared actually let me pick up Branwyn for the weekend, so I’ll have him this weekend, next week, and the following weekend too. It took some pushiness, and a promise to answer the phone immediately whenever he called, and a dry comment that my son was safe with me and wouldn’t be hurt, but in the end he did let me get him which is the only thing that matters.
- Location:3South
I sit here, unbent,
collapsed in my chair and
in my heart.
My ankles wrap around the metal of the chair;
otherwise my feet will slide
and I will follow
From one collapsed to a
puddle upon the floor.
I am tired but not allowed to move.
Time drags, pulling me along behind it.
I am admitted to 3-South.
My roommate's name is Josefina. She keeps her light on all the time and it's hard to sleep. Doesn't matter; my mind's awake anyway. Not buzzing, not yet, but no longer tired of weary or zoned.
A girl across the hall's name is Rachel. She is young and pretty but unpleasant, stomping up and down the halls, knocking and running away, being pretty snotty when she talks.
The black nurse's name is Cynthis. She is pleasant no matter how many times I bug her. The other's name is Ms. Pierre. She's really old and tinkering. The white nurse's name is Wendy; she's very attentive and nice, too.
I hope Ms. Pierre isn't here tomorrow.
1-10-12 Tuesday
I have another roommate named Sandra - she's slightly older and slow in the simple way. She's a recovering drug addict.
Two younger girls showed up today - Tara, who is very quiet and pretty and sweet, and Megan who is nice enough but opinionated and has the capacity to be very mean.
Rachel, I've found out, is bipolar in the psycho-manic phase. She talks often about things but I can't understand much of what she says, and she's convinced I'm her neighbor, Jade, of 15 years. She's just revving up and has been awake for 3 days straight. She is increasingly annoying and obnoxious, too, and there's a sort of ugliness in her.
Sandra and Megan and Tara are in here for drugs; Tara is also a cutter.
I had trouble sleeping last night b/c of Josefina's light so tonight they've given me Trazadone. I'm starting to feel woozy after about 20 mins which I guess is good. They only give me prescript.drugs so no melatonin.
Groups were by rote and boring today, but the meets with the docs was okay. They've completely taken me off of the Risperdal. There was talk about putting me on Depakote. I wish I could ask MC or Cookie or the WebMD board about it.
I'm going to ask to go home on Thursday.
- Location:3-South
It hits me randomly, this jumpy/itchiness, and randomly again I have bursts of energy and breathlessness. Than at night, I crash.
This just sucks.
I understand what my ex does. What I don’t understand is why he does it.
No, I understand why … I just don’t comprehend why.
You see, first it’s a request on my part. I try not to have too many, to keep them small and minimal at best. So now he has the upper hand; he has something I want [in this case, Branwyn; I wanted to pick him up earlier]. The ex is upset at me because of ___ [inset reason, if there is one; at this instance, it’s my cutting]. So he waffles on giving me an answer because of ___ [in this case, “well, we need to talk” usually, it’s “I may have to work”]. Then I find out by some other way that there was no waffling – ‘maybe’ means ‘no.’
I should have remembered that from when I was married to him, but stupid me, I didn’t.
I ask if I can have BB sooner because I miss him and I’m depressed and I need him to cheer me up in the way that only he can. I’ve been watching old vids of him as a baby and want to show them to him and do crafts with him. I want to color with him. So I txt Jared and see if I can get him sooner.
Well, last trade off Jared saw the cuts. He’s upset, threatens [today] to take me back to court and –
I hang up.
A few minutes later he calls back and before he can say anything, I say, “I’m not going to listen to you threaten me.”
He backs off, says he wasn’t threatening me, starts being nice [I’m suspicious]. Says he just wants to say something first but I know what he’s going to say so I tell him I want to talk first. I tell him how I informed him, how I am no risk, how I never do it when BB is with me, how I hate doing it at all, how Amitchi has agreed to a mental health contract with me, how I really should have been admitted, how – how – how –
But I can’t talk long, I’m at work. So I tell him I’ll call later and we can discuss it more.
Later comes. I txt to please have Bran call me, which he does. We talk, and chat, and he says he’ll see me when I pick him up tomorrow. Mumble-mumble from the other side where Jared’s talking and Bran says ‘oh, that’s right, daddy. You said on the phone two days from now.’
Which is when I normally would get him. I ask Jared a minute later, am I getting him early, and he says – ‘I don’t know yet’ and leaves it at that. Because it’s me asking for something, I don’t push.
I understand he’s doing this because he can. I understand he’s doing this because it gives him the power in the warped sort of ‘pseudo-relationship’ that we have now. I know why he does it – because he’s scared of what people will think about him if they find out about my cutting. He wants to feel like he’s in control of something because the bigger issue is so far out of his control it frightens him. He doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me or why I cut – doesn’t understand so it scares him – and he lashes out in anger and aloofness and false words to try and distance himself from it.
I know this, but I can’t comprehend it. Why?
Why does he still have to do shit like this to me and play these stupid ass games when its already so hard enough for me as it is?
Loud, noisy, rambunctious, aggravating kids. Katie at one point accused me of being mean to her, of using a 'bad word' against her - when I had been in the other room with the boys the whole time. The other adults were outside so they didn't know/see/hear what may or may not have happened.
That was a trigger for me; I didn't even say anything to her - she was plainly lying - but I had no defense. She then proceeded to act the rest of the night like she was terrified of me. There was a point where I started crying, although I tried to hide them (bowed my head, covered my eyes). The depression had already settled in again before then, and that made it worse.
Earlier in the evening, I was spacey and kept zoning out, both there and at Amitchi's place.
This is just the tee-total shits right now.
- Mood:
drained
ps. the ribbon at the bottom says "hope"
Did my work at work and ran out of things to do, worked on the knitting project I started for fun and practice and for Bran; it's the scarf from the 4th doctor [Tom Baker] in Doctor Who and ... oh, who am I kidding; it's for me, too.
I've got a very much larger one I was crotcheting for my brother but stopped because I didn't like the results ... he wants me to do a few more color lengths and then still give it to him. He wants a full-length one, too, I guess - not sure on that. We'll see. If he isn't too much of an ass, then maybe.
- Location:home
- Mood: tired
Still feeling the loopy effects, but not as badly. They lasted a good long time, even after I went back to bed and got up a few hours later. I kept Bran busy with playing his video games [was afraid to drive, so didn't take him to daycare, since his school is out for Christmas holidays], then Kit came over around 11am to use the 'net at my place. He helped me clean a bit then sat with BB while I tried [unsuccessfully] to take a nap. I couldn't get my brain to stop working though, it was just like a blur of thoughts and words, so gave up after an hour - only to have the drunk/high symptoms return to a lesser degree as soon as I stood up.
Hoping kind of desperately that that doesn't happen tomorrow morning; I'm only taking 1 pill tonight.
- Location:home
- Mood: tired
